I want to be a holy woman

I want to be a holy woman, a whole woman dedicated to the Lord. No longer do I want to exist with the limitations, with the expectations, and with a known path ahead of me. Don’t misunderstand me: I am no saintly woman above reproach, doing only the strict things of a religion. I am a woman who has loved God for many years. Now I want to be a woman with the tools of compassion, of caring, of love, but I do not want to fit myself in a box of rigid expectations formed outside of my relationship to God. I desire the true liberation of loving God and having Him love me also; I want to walk with Him wherever he leads me.

I am tired of the limitations of my mind that tell me that if this occurs, then that will follow. I am tired of the mind taking an event, for example a recording of a healing meditation, and aggrandizing it into a business, a profession, with thousands of steps that must be taken in order to accomplish it; then there will be an internal pressure to develop this dream that is not even mine. I hope that I can free myself of this mental pressure. This is how the mind puts concrete around any idea that it entertains. According to the mind: I must do this, then that, all in a logical progression. This is how the human mind functions.

I no longer want this. I desire another form of functioning in which there are no limitations on thinking, no concretizing, in which I stand before a person with needs with many tools and many possible of ways of using them. Then I can choose what is the best tool to use given their needs at that time. Are the needs physical now, or emotional, or healing or what? Then I have a choice to make in which tool would be most useful: spiritual direction, healing meditation, listening to their troubles, support in clothing, food or shelter, money, etc. The mind always wants me to help others in limited ways. It prefers a distance between the person I am helping and me. I think that God wants me to help others without limitations or professional preparation. He desires that I help others solely by assessing their needs and offering my help. He wants me to touch them, meet with them, be with them, no distance between them and me. He will put on the path before me those that he wants me to serve, if I follow Him.

Free of the limitations of the mind I no longer must assume what any act or event signifies or that everyone He sends me will need the same things. Past events no longer determine future actions. I stay flexible and open in order to help others as they need. I set aside the need of my mind to predict the future. It is not useful. If I have expectation of the future, I lose the present and its needs. I do not see the person with needs in front of me, because I am awaiting the future. This is the model of Jesus: of course he had many more tools than I, was much wiser than I, and much more connected to God than I, but he used the tools of healing, prayer and discernment as he thought them necessary—with a dead daughter, a woman who bled constantly who touched his robe, a group of Pharisees, guests at a wedding, with the blind, mute and lepers—for each person he saw what was needed and did that. This is, in my small way, what I will do: what is needed for each person.

Of course Jesus depended on God for everything: food, rest, housing, clothing, inspiration, presence, help, to name a few. I plan to do the same, again in my small way. I want to be very useful, to help without limitations. Because of this I will depend on the Lord totally and will know that He cares for me and my needs while I help others with theirs. To follow the Holy Spirit brings integration into a life. One must listen to the Spirit constantly in order to hear what He is saying about the needs of this or that person. He does the work of plowing the field and preparing the ground in each person to receive Him, while our work is to receive Him and love Him. To love Him means to take care of those He also loves. To listen to the Holy Spirit and to be ready at any time to help others gives one more responsibility because one must use more of himself or herself—talents, abilities, energy, focus, etc.. Because of this He requires that a woman (or man) be holy, dedicated to His service, and whole.